So, after almost a month of feeling great, losing weight, sleeping unaided, reducing my medications, exercising, no episodes and a general feeling of fucking awesomeness (for the first time, in at least a year) – yesterday I had a complete meltdown and couldn’t get any sleep last night – so today I feel like shit.

With such a severe case of Bipolar Disorder, it’s just another reminder that this illness will always be in control, simmering under the surface waiting to appear the minute I let my guard down. It’s a frightening thing knowing that even when I think I’m in control, or at least doing all the right things to TAKE control, all it requires is a culmination of outside factors and I’m one step backwards. Or two, depending on the severity of the episode.

It’s rarely just one incident that triggers an episode, unless it’s something pretty serious or extremely stressful.

To remove these elements, I’ve isolated myself a little bit socially over the years. I live a simple honest life and only have a handful of friends that I truly trust and feel safe with. For my own sanity and survival, it’s these coping strategies along with my medication, therapy and of course now embarking on my body makeover to mental health, that I have learnt to manage my illness the best I can. And what has kept me safe. That and the fact I’m what’s known as a high functioning sufferer.

Stress – Biggest enemy and cause of an episode. Any form of stress. A confrontational phone call, financial stress, relationship stress, a messy house, writers block the list goes on.

Feeling pressure, frustration or guilt – I have always put a lot of pressure on myself, even before my diagnosis. I think it has escalated more so since I found out I had BD. I try so hard to be “normal” and obviously behave in that manner, but my emotional limits just aren’t there and when I don’t meet my own expectations… well it’s the same as any person in that regard, however because I have an illness that is emotionally based it causes my brain to have a spaz and I can’t function properly. Then I feel guilty and it’s a vicious circle.

Structure, routine and consistency has definitely helped me in the past, when I was single and there was just me and Neo to worry about. But i’m in a relationship and things change. I struggle with change.

When you don’t have control of your own emotions and mind, the only things you can control are the things in your life like your house, your job, your relationship etc…

What’s that saying, you can’t control other peoples reactions but you can control yours? Well I don’t have that luxury. There is so much about myself that I can’t control and it’s scary. But I’m doing the best I can.

And as my mum always says to me… This too shall pass.

You know what? It always does x